


What We Both Know

by ConsultingTimeLord



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, M/M, Newton is emotionally stunted and doesn't know how to deal with feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-07-26
Packaged: 2017-12-21 09:08:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/898491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConsultingTimeLord/pseuds/ConsultingTimeLord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The term ‘old married couple’ was thrown around a lot when the subject turned to Hermann and Newton. They’d heard it a lot, enough times that it became something of an inside joke between them. One would nudge the other and they’d share a quick smile before returning to the lab, drawing another line in the corner of the chalkboard where they kept count. To them, it just provided a laugh in the midst of disheartening war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Both Know

The term 'old married couple' was thrown around a lot when the subject turned to Hermann and Newton. They'd heard it a lot, enough times that it became something of an inside joke between them. One would nudge the other and they'd share a quick smile before returning to the lab, drawing another line in the corner of the chalkboard where they kept count. To them, it just provided a laugh in the midst of disheartening war.

They admitted, strictly to themselves and never each other, that they quarreled like one, but their relationship was more than the arguing those around them saw on the surface. Forgiveness happened easily, almost without either of them realizing it. Despite Newton leaving messes on Hermann's side of the lab and the way Hermann dismissed Newton's theories, it never mattered in the end.

They cared for each other and to say that a romantic upgrade to their relationship had never crossed their minds would be a lie. A few months after they first met and began working together to assist the Jaeger project, they found themselves into their third bottle of wine at the end of a long day. They had disregarded their rule to keep to their own sides of the lab that had been set in place not long after they discovered how the other preferred to work.

They sat together on Hermann's side of the lab, slumped in chairs on opposite sides of a square glass table. Their heavy tongues slurred each word that tumbled from their mouths, speaking the honest confessions they assumed they'd forget the next head-pounding morning.

"I know, I know what I say sometimes can be harsh," Hermann began, his face scrunching up in concentration toward his own nearly unintelligible thoughts. "But, honestly, Newton, I admire your work. It's absolutely insane and logistically impossible but admirable."

"Thank you, man," Newton replied, holding up his glass, a quarter full of red liquid. "Your stuff is really awesome too. I couldn't work with anyone else, Hermann. You challenge me, you know? Push me to do better."

"That is very kind of you to…" he said, his voice tapering off.

"What is it, buddy?" Newton said, his brows dramatically pulled together in concern.

"I think I've had too much," he replied, self-awareness striking him like a shock from the Drift.

Newton glanced down into his glass like he would discover the meaning of life. "You're probably right," he said before draining the contents and slamming it down on the table.

He readied himself to stand by placing his palms flat on the table to secure a sense of balance before he pushed his body up. Once he stood straight, his feet steady on the floor, he removed his hands and waited a minute, wobbling slightly as he gauged if he could walk. He stared hard at Hermann, wondering just how much he weighed because he knew he would have to help him to his room since there was no way he could walk, even with his cane.

He carefully moved around the table, keeping one hand on it, until he could reach out to Hermann and grab his hands, pulling him up to an unstable stand. They both swayed as they tried to figure out how to operate their own bodies until Newton simply swung one of Hermann's arms over his shoulders so he could support most of his weight. With a firm arm around his waist, Newton and Hermann stepped forward in unison as if operating a Jaeger, managing to make it most of the distance from one side of the room to the door on the other. When the door seemed within reach, they both tripped over a discarded bundle of wires Newton left lying around.

When they fell, Newton had the sense of mind to place himself beneath Hermann to soften the blow, but he twisted and landed on his back with Hermann on top of him. They both appeared shaken and startled, still attempting to process what happened, when they met each other's eyes and realized they were only inches apart.

Without thinking or hesitating, with alcohol running rampant through their systems, they both moved toward each other until their lips met in a fumbling, needy kiss. It felt clumsy and sloppy but also passionate as Newton wrapped his arms around Hermann and Hermann grabbed Newton's face. The kiss didn't last long but it made their heads spin worse than the wine.

They broke apart and Hermann rolled off of Newton onto his back beside him, trying to catch his breath. Newton felt surprised but a laugh stuck in his throat from the rush of the experience. They turned to look at each other, short-lived smiles breaking out on their faces. However, Hermann's expression quickly shifted into a frown, lining his face around his eyes and mouth.

"This wouldn't happen if you didn't leave machine bits and Kaiju innards everywhere," he groaned.

"Oh, here we go," Newton said with a sigh, their kiss instantly forgotten.

"I don't think I can move, Newton. Whose fault do you think that is?"

"Mine, clearly," he said, dripping with sarcasm even through his slurred words.

He rolled over onto his stomach, pushing himself onto his knees before slowly standing up. The room spun for a few moments so he stayed still until it finally settled.

"It most certainly is your fault," Hermann said, pushing up into a sitting position.

"Yeah, okay, fine," Newton replied, grabbing Hermann's arms and hauling him up. "Not like you'll remember tomorrow."

Newton kept a firm grip around his waist and held onto the arm that was draped back around his shoulders. They reached the door and Newton locked up the lab before heading down the halls to their quarters. Hermann seemed to be growing heavier, his feet dragging as he slipped in and out of consciousness. Newton knew he'd feel the hard labor in the morning but dutifully opened Hermann's door and deposited him safely on his bed before going into the room next door and passing out on his own.

The next morning, neither of them mentioned what happened and never did since then. Their standing in the present, as the war with the Kaiju ended and the world breathed a collective sigh, was one built on unsurity. Newton didn't know what either of them would do for work, he didn't know where he would live, and he didn't know what to do about what they both clearly saw in the Drift during their neural handshake with the Kaiju.

He saw it every time he closed his eyes, playing like a projection on the back of his lids. He saw both of their childhoods in a series of short clips, not as dissimilar as he had expected. Both lonely children, Hermann as an only child and Newton with three bully older brothers. Neither of them made many friends and the ones they did make never lasted long. Until they met one another, they had next to no one and they kept each other at arm's length for fear of eventually losing the other. He could feel it as Hermann felt it, as he himself felt it but refused to accept it.

He sat on an upper level of the Shatterdome, overlooking the deactivated and obsolete Jaegers, his legs dangling over the edge through the slots in the railing. Only a few dim lights cut through the pitch blackness but none of them touched Newton, allowing him to remain unseen to passersby. He soaked everything in through closed eyes, the silence roaring in his ears as everyone had long since retired to bed.

Sleep could've fallen over him with his head resting on the cool metal in front of him if his body wasn't pumping adrenaline like blood from everything he felt. It caused his heart to beat like he'd just run five marathons, his pulse thrumming so hard he felt his bones vibrate. Instead, he gently banged his head over and over again into the banister, causing a clanging sound to resonate through the massive room like thunder. He wanted the constant barrage of feelings to stop, to dissipate, to never reconstitute, to never be dealt with.

A few minutes later, once his head began to ache, he heard the clack of a cane tapping against the floors and Newton bit his lip to restrain a sigh. He hunched his shoulders, trying to make himself smaller and harder to spot, but he knew it would be useless as the footsteps paired with the cane grew closer and louder.

"Newton?" Hermann's voice echoed. "Is that you making all this racket?"

"Does my dense skull make that specific of a sound?" Newton asked, turning his head to face his longtime friend as he hobbled toward him. He had to rely on his left eye as the right lens of his glasses was still shattered.

"It does actually, yes," Hermann replied, a smile on his face barely visible in the dark.

Newton smiled back at him before drawing his legs in through the slots and pulling himself up with help from the sturdy railing.

"What are you doing out here?" Newton asked.

He looked Hermann over and noticed they both still wore the clothes they returned to the Shatterdome in, torn and dirty and bloodstained. Proof of their part in the fight and in the end of the war.

"I could ask you the same," Hermann replied, his smile faltering before failing all together.

Newton nodded. "You certainly could. I, uh, I… was just thinking over some stuff."

"At four in the morning?" Hermann said, raising an eyebrow.

"Is it that late?" Newton said incredulously.

"I'm afraid so."

"Well, what are you doing walking around?"

"Er, also thinking," he replied, glancing down at his feet.

"Right. Well, uh, I guess we should head off to bed like normal people," Newton said with a laugh.

Hermann nodded, flashing a quick smile before his expression turned contemplative. Newton began walking toward their sleeping quarters and Hermann followed, able to keep a comfortable pace as Newton slowed down his own. He glanced down at Hermann's leg, unable to move well without the cane's assistance.

"I could fix that, you know," Newton said offhandedly.

"Fix what?" Hermann said, his brow wrinkling in confusion.

"That leg. I could build something so you could walk on your own. I mean, I have the time now," Newton said, shrugging as he looked to Hermann with a hesitant smile, his expression appearing like a child who offered a piggy bank to help his in-debt parents.

Hermann looked taken aback by the offer, flustered and unsure of what to say. "No, no, it's all right. I'm sure there are better projects to focus on."

Newton searched Hermann's face before nodding. He didn't want to be looked at as a charity case; he already knew that. Every feeling Hermann had was in his brain, if not present in his thoughts then buried somewhere in his mind, waiting to be called to the surface. They returned to walking in silence until they reached their sleeping quarters, two rooms across the hall from each other. They paused, each standing in front of their respective doors before turning to one another.

"I guess I'll see you in the morning," Newton said, turning away toward his door before a hand on his arm stopped him.

"Newton, wait—"

"No, I can't," Newton said, feeling a hidden bout of anxiety flare up and cause his heart to drum against his ribs. "I just can't, Hermann, or Gottlieb, whatever. I…"

"Hermann is fine," he said, his eyes softening.

Newton stared him in the eye, his jaw slackening. He'd never given him permission to refer to him by his first name before; he'd always just done it anyway, especially when he wanted to annoy him.

"Hermann, I don't know if I can do this," he said, panic in his eyes.

"Just come inside to my quarters, we can sit down and talk about this like adults," Hermann offered.

"Why your quarters? Why not mine?" Newton asked indignantly.

An endearing smile crossed his face. "I've seen how you work. I can only imagine how you live."

Newton glanced behind him at his room, thinking about the clothes strewn everywhere, the ripped and repaired posters of various Kaiju, the scrap metal, and his computer tucked into the corner on a small desk. "Fair point," he said with a nod. "Okay. We can talk."

"Thank you," Hermann said sincerely.

He turned and unlocked the door to his room, pushing it open and standing aside for Newton to walk in first. Newton hesitated initially but he forced his feet forward until he stood inside the small area, looking around at the perfectly neat room. A giant chalkboard hung on one of the walls covered in equations and the rest of the wall space was filled with Hermann's notes on lined paper. All of his clothes were hung up in the closet, his desk space was organized with care, and the bed was so expertly made that Newton couldn't bring himself to sit on it. Instead, he grabbed the desk chair and rolled it over so that he sat across from the bed.

Once he settled in, Hermann shut the door behind them before sitting down on the edge of the mattress. They stared at each other, the walls, their own feet, bathing in awkward silence and no one had the courage to speak. Newton could tell just how uncomfortable Hermann felt, worse than he'd felt in a long time. Even when they first met, Hermann wasn't uncomfortable, just especially abrasive, like a porcupine readying its quills.

"So…" Newton said in a poor attempt to break the silence.

"Why are we doing this?" Hermann said, exasperated. "We're not trepidatious teenagers."

"No, definitely not teenagers," Newton agreed, wringing his sweat-dampened hands.

"There are no secrets between us anymore except the ones we refuse to admit to ourselves. Our time in the Drift," Hermann swallowed hard, looking Newton in the eye, "we know exactly how we feel about each other."

"Do we?" he asked with a nervous laugh that lifted his voice an octave.

"Newton, don't be such a child," he snapped, causing Newton to flinch slightly.

"I'm sorry," he said. "You're right. I know everything. We both do. I just don't know if I'm ready."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I've felt exactly what you feel about everything, including me. You care so much. And how vividly you remember that time we kissed…" Newton paused, biting his bottom lip hard enough that beads of blood bubbled up. "I just wanna do right by you and I don't know if I can."

Hermann stared at him liked he'd grown multiple heads. "You're scaring yourself out of something I know you want."

"Of course I want it!" Newton said, throwing his arms in the air as he stood. He faced away from Hermann and ran his hands through his hair. "Of course I do…"

"Then what's the problem?" Hermann said, standing up to meet him. He rested a gentle hand on Newton's arm and Newton leaned into it for a moment before pulling away completely, shaking his head.

He reached out and touched the side of Hermann's face, his eyes deeply apologetic. "I'm so sorry. I can't. I just… I need… I need to do something."

He bolted from the room, leaving Hermann's door wide open as he bounded through his own.

"NEWTON!" Hermann called to no avail.

Newton slammed the door behind him and sat down at his cluttered desk, clearing away the mess with a wide sweep of his arm.

 

A week passed without anyone hearing from Newton. Hermann tried to speak with him, visiting his door multiple times a day to knock and talk to him through it with no response. Mako and Raleigh saw him once, returning from the kitchens with an armful of food, looking exhausted. Toward the end of the week, Hermann's knocks grew scarce and his talks turned angry rather than concerned.

Near the end of the seventh day, Newton's door creaked open and he emerged holding a long bundle wrapped in a blue fleece blanket. The skin under his eyes was tinted a deep purple, his dark hair lay flat on his head, and his clothes, though clean, appeared wrinkled and disheveled. He walked across the hall with the bundle held tightly in his arms and knocked on the door. No answer came at first but, after knocking once more, the metal door opened just enough for Hermann to look out. His face contorted into a scowl at the sight of him.

"What do you want?" he snapped.

"Can I come in?" Newton asked, his face like a puppy that knew it did something wrong.

"You disappear for a week after trying to talk to you about how I feel and you expect me to just let you in?" he said, incredulous.

Newton seemed to deflate slightly. "I had hoped. I have an explanation. I just… please. Give me a chance. Let me in, let me explain, and you can throw me out if you don't like it."

Hermann's frown deepened but he still stepped aside to allow him in.

Newton appeared relieved as he stepped inside. "Thank you, Hermann, you won't regret it."

"Dr. Gottlieb to you," he corrected as he shut the door, causing Newton to deflate further.

"Yeah," he said, nodding and finding it hard to look Hermann in the eye. "Yeah, I deserve that."

"Yes you do and probably a lot worse," Hermann replied, settling on the bed. "You have five minutes."

"Okay, well, first off I've probably only had about ten hours of sleep since I left here. I've been working on this," he said patting the top of the bundle. "And I know you could've made it yourself and you might not use it and it might not even work but I did it."

Hermann stared curiously at the shape under the blanket as Newton grabbed a fistful of it and pulled it away. In his arm sat an intricate mechanical contraption that was hollow and in the contour of a human leg from the thigh to the ankle.

"Wh-what is it that?" Hermann asked, using his cane to stand and get a better look.

"It's just a prototype exoskeleton," he said, holding it out to him. "I made it specifically to fit you. There's a spinal attachment that goes with it. It's made of a light metal and it connects to the joints in your knee to make everything easier to operate."

Hermann set his cane aside and accepted it, turning it over in his hands to examine the craftsmanship. "Why? Why would you run off just to make this? How does this fix anything between us?"

Newton stared down at his hands that were gripped together tight enough to slow the circulation of blood. "I guess because this is how I could express that I care. That," he paused, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. "That I love you."

Hermann set the exoskeleton down on the bed behind him before grabbing one of Newton's hands. "I already know that. You know I know that."

"I know," he said, intertwining their fingers before squeezing his hand tightly as if afraid he might leave. "This was something I had to do for me. I had to prove to myself that I could be something good for you."

Hermann used his free hand to grab Newton's tie at the knot and pull him closer. "After ten years of working together, I don't see how that was ever in question."

Their lips met, far more expertly than their inebriated selves had managed many years earlier. Newton, initially surprised, let go of Hermann's hand and placed his own hands on Hermann's hips, drawing him in closer. Hermann kept a firm grip on Newton's tie while clutching his hair with the other. They stumbled back into Hermann's desk, hitting the base of Newton's spine on its edge but he hardly noticed.

"You know," he mumbled into Hermann's lips. "You're much better at this sober."

He gently bit Newton's lip in response and Newton managed to pull Hermann in even closer. Hermann's hands moved to frame Newton's face before he pulled away and placed his soft lips on his forehead.

"I love you too," Hermann said quietly, barely audible to Newton but enough to make him smile.

"Can I stay?" Newton asked as they pressed their foreheads together.

"Stay?"

"Here. For the night. Then we can run trials on the exoskeleton in the morning!" he said excitedly. "If you want to, that is."

"Oh, all right," Hermann said, as if it was a great inconvenience.

He held Newton's hand for both comfort and balance as he walked over and grabbed the exoskeleton from the bed. He handed it off and Newton set it carefully on the desk before they both lay down on the mattress. Newton fit himself into Hermann's arms, resting his head in the crook of his neck and wrapping an arm around his waist. They held onto each other through the night, a constant comfort, and Newton passed out, receiving a long, full night's sleep, one better than they both had since the war began.


End file.
